Flash #163

Originally published November 1st 2017


                                                                        

"I like weird and wacky!" No, this isn't a code word to get into the fetish club downtown. Ahem... I think. Rather, It's a statement that tends to be uttered at least once by every fan of the Silver Age. It's also remarkably true. The majority of stories published between '56-'70 had to flirt with the bizarre. Some just had a dance, others brought it home to meet the folks but either way it was a glorious era to be absurd.

If you've ever read any of my previous work, it's fairly obvious I'm a huge fan. Not my utmost favorite age (that would be Bronze) yet who can resist all of those whimsical plot threads and colorful creativity?

Barry Allen actually kicked off this period in the pages of Showcase #4 and despite his O.G. status, I  haven't read many of his adventures during that epoch. A lot of books cross my desk but the moment I saw this cover urgency struck. I mean c'mon, there he is in his talk to the hand pose insisting that I save his life. Naturally, I cracked it open post haste. The scarlet speedster needs ME! Or did he? Let's take a gander at The Flash #163 " The Flash stakes his life--on--you!" cover dated August 1966. Written by John Broome, penciled by Carmine Infantino with inks from Joe Giella.

                                                       

I may be showing my age here but personally whenever someone proclaims "STOP!", my mind immediately flashes to Estelle Getty rocking a glock. Anyone else recall the 1992 cinematic masterpiece "Stop! or my Mom will Shoot"? The hours I spent as a 14 year old watching this flick filled with phallic follies and stale punchlines. What IS funny though, a Flash cover reminds me how wrong I was to believe Sylvester Stallone turned a corner as a comedic actor. The power of Back Issues at work here people! I digress...

                                               "Yo Ma, whaddya think of MY Meatloaf?"

The villain in this book BLOWS. Pretty bold way to describe a guy but it's no exaggeration. This tale starts with him using a powerful puff to dissipate our hero. See what I did there? You better, I expect my readers to come equipped with a gong to punish me for my pathetic puns.  This scoundrels real accomplishment isn't defeating a Justice Leaguer on the teaser page. It's overcoming his uncanny resemblance to the Iron Sheik and claiming victory by other means than a headlock.

                                                              

"I think Hulk Hogan would prefer the Whistle Tickle finishing move."

The Flash is speeding his way around Central City while on a pier, a little girl accidentally drops her doll into the ocean. No job is too small for the fastest man alive. He zips over water to grab the lost toy. Nice to see Flashy boy isn't above some blue collar rescuing of inanimate objects. The writer notes this small act of kindness will play out later on. Hmm... wishful thinking, the Barbie taking a dip is retconned as the origin of the Anti-Monitor. Bit of a stretch? They say I'm a dreamer.

                                                              

"How many times I've said 'never' after a night of drinking. You got a lot to learn kiddo."

Back to the Iron Sheik lookalike. His name is sure to instill terror into the hearts of men, ready for it? Mr.Haddon! Yeah, more like your 6th grade History teacher than treacherous tyrant. I've got the wrong subject though as it turns out he's quite science enthusiast. So much so, he's created an insane invention. Let's try to wrap our minds around this: According to Haddon, belief in ourselves is based on how others feel about us. So he's developed radiation that will erase a populations memory of a specific person. They forget someone exists and that person will disappear. You really got to have a broken Beaker to come up with that one. This weapon still needs some fine tuning. Witness the saddest first appearance in DC Comics history, Haddon's cat "Jessica". This furry feline only wanted some milk but received oblivion. Someone get Selina Kyle on the horn.

                                                              

"R.I.P. Jessica the Invisible Lab Rat Cat 1966-1966."

Haddon uses the radiation on Central City. Now that no one remembers Barry, he begins to turn into a mist. He tries to run around  and get the attention of someone, but they just think he's a nut job in a funny suit. Reduced to nothing more than second hand smoke, he still believes crime waits for no man..er..ghost thingy. A store alarm rings in the distance and Flash races to the scene to discover Haddon robbing the joint. With bags full of cash in each hand he takes a trick from the Big Bad Wolf Handbook by Huffing, puffing and blowing the Flash around.

                                                              

"What do Marty McFly and the Flash have in common? Great at fucking up timelines."

Guiding Barry's wispy form back to his lab, Haddon lays out his evil plan. With the Flash incapacitated he's free to steal and use the money to move to an island and become it's King. Seriously. Once the final person stops believing in the Flash...poof. Haddon is so confident in himself, he chomps on a congratulatory stogie and leaves Barry in his lair. So if no one can remember the Flash, how is he still alive? Rewind to that nugget on the docks.

   

"Where the hell are this kids parents? Is her Dad the Gorton's Fisherman?"

YES! The little girl with a case of the butter fingers! That's right, she would "never, never, never" forget him for rescuing dolly. The scene itself where he discovers she is the lone believer does play out a tad creepy in a lock down Chuck E. Cheese kind of way. If you find that odd, it doesn't stop there. The Flash still needs to regain full form by refreshing the rest of Central City's memory. In the age before e-mail, my baby...she wrote me a letter.

                                                             

"As bands in the 90's understood, flyers were the ultimate promotional tool."

Just like memes in modern times, people believed everything they read back in the day. Kinkos be damned, Barry just writes a butt load of leaflets and hands them out to people on the street. By golly, it actually works! The more they read, his body is restored. Now at full strength, The Flash is ready to smash the 'Stache.

                                                              

"If I could only have Tom Selleck's lush head of hair, I would be UNSTOPPABLE!"

Haddon is enjoying some Magnum P.I. fashion and Kooey Kooey Kooey servitude in a tropical locale. Heavy is the head that wears the crown  as he can't quite put a finger on how he achieved his success. Screw it, He's still living the dream. King of an island, armed guards and plenty pineapples can't erase the feeling someone is out to get him. Paranoia proves to be prudent if not effective. The Flash promptly busts his party up and puts his shiny melon behind bars.

Was this one a classic? Nope. Not even close. The story proved to be terribly boring. Had the writer opted to embrace the insanity of the time period it may have been saved. Take the Mind Erasing Machine for example. I don't have a problem with it's function being vague but they should have went all out with it. No cool design, colorful beams of light or anything really. Just an old burger warmer from Wendy's.

There's a back up story featuring Abra Kadabra but by this point you can tell the creators had better things to do with their day than care what got published that month. I suppose an argument could be made Infantino's pencil work is the one redeeming quality but we've got a flat liner here. Four color Ambien. The Surgeon General advises against reading this prior to operating machinery.

Thanks for the iconic cover guys but here's to wishing I could wash my brain clean of this one. Maybe watching some T.V. will help with that...oh HELL yes!

                                                             



-David Schultz




*All images/video clips are rights of their respective owners. Links to external sites are used solely for informational purposes.

Metamorpho #4

Originally published June 15th 2017

                                                                      

While it doesn't happen often, sometimes a cover grabs me. It's so enticing that I can't resist getting a little giddy to see what's inside. Metamorpho #4 dated Jan-Feb. 1966 is exactly what the Doctor ordered. It's colorful, action packed and takes you on an adventure prior to page one. Pure silver aged goodness.

Now that the front of the book has amused my avacados, let's open it up and find out if the carpet matches the drapes. First off, here are the creators that brought us Metamorpho's Mexican migration titled "The Awesome Escapades of the Abominable Playboy".


                                                   

I've written about the scripter Bob Haney before in Two Staple Gold. Be sure to give that column a look see. Shameless self promotion is my middle name. Sorry Bob...

The renowned Ramona Fradon penciled this groovy little gordita.  She is truly a living legend. Besides being the co-creator of Metamorpho, her Aquaman work is considered some of the most iconic in the history of the character. Spending the majority of her career at DC, Ramona also drew the Brenda Starr newspaper strip from 1980 until her retirement as an illustrator in 1995.

Something you need to know about Rex Mason aka Metamorpho. He may be one butt ugly dude but deep down he's a romantic. 'Morpho was created by mad scientist Simon Stagg and he's in love with Simon's daughter Sapphire. Sure, her dad is nuttier than a bag of bolts, has a creepy cro-magnon as an assistant and her name is suitable for a stripper but what a looker! From a readers perspective, this makes for an interesting supporting cast to say the least.

                                                              

"That's funny. 'El Bonehead Stupendo' was my nickname in college. Small world."

Problem is, Sapphire is one fickle female. She has feelings for Rex but wants more attention. How does one garner extra affection from DC's resident Elemental Man? Easy, he may be able turn his limbs to steel but isn't impervious to a taste of jealousy. That bitter nectar can make the most steadfast superhero a little loco.

                                                              

"Could've started Operation: Honesty but the story would've ended next panel."

She selects "Cha-Cha" Chavez, an over the top latin lover as the tool for her spite campaign. A Mexican millionaire who's wealth is a mystery. In an impressive initial act, he showers Sapphire's home with flowers. So much so that Team 'Morpho must escape to the roof. He then displays his redesign of Mt.Rushmore featuring Sapphire's likeness. Ridiculous? Absolutely, but her dad is sold.

                                                              

"Wonder when 'Bring her Hot Fudge' makes it's debut on Urban Dictionary."

Metamorpho isn't pleased Cha-Cha is moving Heaven and Earth to woo is gal but has no say in the matter when the entire clan is invited to board his yacht for a trip to his homeland. Setting sail steaming mad, he notices something odd while stewing on the starboard side. A submarine has launched a torpedo at their boat. Rex quickly transforms into a Manganese Paravane (hell if I knew what that was) and destroys the missile.

 

"Technically, if there were no time a paperclip would have been a logical choice."

In the process, Metamorpho managed to also blow himself to bits. His limbs conveniently land on board the yacht. Speaking of opportune situations, there happens to be a lab below deck that Stagg uses to piece his monster back together. He better hurry, an attack plane has started spraying​ bullets at everyone topside. Returning in time to save the day, our hero smells something fishy. Accusing Cha-Cha​ of foul play,  it's explained as a Mexican way of saying howdy. Nice excuse buddy. What's next, your Chihuahua ate your homework?

 

"OK Chavez enough malarkey...wait, that dog is friggin' HUGE!"

Settling in at Cha-Cha's mansion proves to be no picnic either. The source of his money is indeed based in criminal activity. He's an arms dealer and angry rebels have stormed the compound. In a blaze of gunfire, they kidnap Simon Stagg and his lackey Java. Well, take a wild guess who has to go off and save everyone's guacamole again. This time however, rather than transform into some wacky device, he rolls like a native. Hi-Ho Silver away! Bad ass to the max dude.

 

" Sir...that cigar WILL BE AVENGED!"

The hostages have been put before a firing squad for their affiliation with Chavez. Simon, who in the beginning would have covered himself in chicken feathers for the man now renounces him to no avail. As the guns go off, Metamorpho rides in and turns his arm into what he calls an "iron mitt". To me it looks like a giant ladle but I suppose that's a tough feature to sell when marketing your powers. "What can you do?" they ask. "Me, I turn into an indestructible spoon!". Yeah, iron mitt it is.

                                                              

"The DCU Ping Pong Champion of 1966"

The rebellion realizes they stand no chance versus a superhuman, so rather than fight they make their case to Metamorpho. They inform him that Cha-Cha Chavez is a dictator that goes by the name "El Lupo" and is one cutthroat bastard. The weapons he procures are used against his own countrymen. 'Morpho is having none of that. Sapphire is still in the grubby grasp of that sinister señor. He rallies the troops and rides back to the hacienda only to discover Cha-Cha​ escaping via helicopter with his lady.

                                                              

"At that height, I think I'd just jump out of the damned thing."

They've fled to the Capital where Metamorpho goes incognito mosquito in a nifty sombrero, following their tracks to a bull fight. The nation's insurgents has taken to him, spray painting propaganda throughout the city in his name. Beats having your phone number scrawled in bathroom stall by comparison.

 

"For a good time call Geoff Johns."

After entering the arena, Metamorpho discovers that the bull has been fitted with a booby trap. The tip of it's horns are actually bomb detonators. One tap and the stadium gets blown to smithereens. Well, say no more. This looks like a job for Meta-Matrador, Ole! Yeah, I just made that nickname up but I kind of dig it. The crowd, unaware of their lives being in danger are wowed by Meta-Matrador's skills. He proceeds to reshape into various forms, avoiding a perilous poke. 'Morpho snaps off the pesky prick, saving the lives of the onlookers but leaving the Bull with a case of antler envy.

 

"Isn't that illegal? Shouldn't he get a yellow card or something?"

Defeated, Cha-Cha tries to make off with Sapphire. Java the caveman jumps to the rescue  but you just knew somebody was gonna get jabbed in the ass, or as I lovingly refer to it as a "toro tickled". With Java down for the count, Metamorpho turns himself into gelatin glue and stops our bad guy in his tracks. That's right, a scoundrel undone by a snack! Shouldn't be surprised though as Jello sure did a number on Bill Cosby and Lindsay Lohan. Talk about getting yourself into sticky situations! Ahem...

"J-E-L-L-Oh hell NO!"

Full disclosure, I left a couple of plot points out of my recap. Why? I really want you to go check this out. It's campy as you imagine but the book is crazier than a pinata filled with firecrackers. I love the ever living crap out of it. Props to me for not fully spoiling a fifty one year old comic. Gotta take my pats on the back where I can get them people.

Here's a novel idea. Some of you may be familiar with the Justice League Action cartoon. It's actually pretty rad and my kid really enjoys it. Why not take some silver age yarns like this one and adapt them to animation? It can't be faithfully reproduced as some of the subject matter isn't suitable for kids these days but it's the whole enchilada when it comes to silly entertainment. See that, I'm an idea man. Show me the dinero.
Pick this one up. It's a classic.