Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. #1

I've decided to purge my computer of the dirty secrets hidden within its hard drive. Oh! Not anything that nasty you freak! No, I'm referring to projects I've written over the years that have never seen the light of day. It's high time I dust off the virtual cobwebs and share some stories with the splendid shrouds that populate the internet. Yep... that means YOU.

This little ditty happens to be one of my favorites and quite honestly, I'd go absolutely gaga to see it published. Plus, there's a nice history to the piece. It is my first any only writing collaboration with my good pal, prolific podcaster and true colossus of comic recap content, Chris Sheehan.

I was first introduced to Chris thanks to his highly informative show called The Cosmic Treadmill.  We became fast friends after I had contacted him on Twitter in regards to how much I enjoyed the program and the in-depth comic talk, he and his co-host Reggie, scripted for the show. It turned out that Chris and I shared a love for similar material, experiences as collectors and quite frankly, we basically have the same sense of humor. I apologize to Chris's family and friends for admitting that last fact to the general public. Witness relocation options are available upon request.

Isn't the internet grand? Sure beat having to write my pen pals in prison. Chris and I eventually teamed up for some podcasting projects that were a lot of fun, but a few years back we decided to actually join forces on a comic. So we hit the web and searched for characters in the public domain that would be a hoot to play with and trust me when I say, there is a sandbox full of awesome capes that deserve more recognition.

We settled on a gaudy western hero and then, a chicken that fought Satan. Yeah, you read that correctly. A devil fighting fowl. How cool would that team up be, right? But wait, we wanted to stir the pot just a wee bit more. What if we didn't focus on the western hero himself but rather his goofball kid? The chicken will be his best friend and our script will be based in a world shaped by the exploits of retired silver age superheroes. Nice!

Chris and I went about hammering out the details via Google Docs and had a few laughs. That also happened to be a key element we wanted included in the book, comedy. The premise was wacky, so let's write a script that can elicit some chuckles from the readers. This isn't dark or gritty beat 'em up fare, but rather something light that provides a touch of hope. While I can't speak for Chris, I was heavily influenced by Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League and the works of Mike Allred. Those are the vibes I wanted to project.

Unfortunately, as with many good intentioned things, the script got left to die on Google Docs. Despite our love for comics, we didn't have the resources or proper know how to actually get our own to print. Not to mention we were missing a huge ingredient needed for any four color fantasy... an artist! Neither of us can draw particularly well and definitely not even remotely good enough to properly present our ideas for publication. All of this takes moolah we don't got.

Not so long ago, frustrated with our words just sitting alone in the cloud, I did a tiny reboot. Oh yeah, I rebooted a comic that was never released! My head must be wrapped in discarded 90's holofoil. Seriously though, lets call it proper, 'twas an edit. Considering that we fleshed out our tale on a public domain skeleton rather than just using those characters outright, I renamed the main players. Tip of the cap to those bones, but realistically, Chris and I did more creating than borrowing anyhow. The notion of using a straight up public domain character served as a spark, not the core.

I ended up choosing the name Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. for the hero and named the chicken Duck. Then started the process of writing the second issue solo, knowing that it also may never be given newsprint to breathe. (Yeppers, I've always imagined going old school with this and seeing it printed on sweet smelling newsprint baby.)

That's the backdrop for what you're about to read. I hope you enjoy it and if you do, feel free to say so. It never hurts to get some constructive criticism or to know people would actually be interested in reading the further adventures of Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. and his buddy Duck.

David Schultz

1/27/21

Sarsaparilla Sal Jr.  #1

By David Schultz (Plot/Script) and Chris Sheehan (Plot)

PAGE 1 - One Panel Splash Page

Pt. 1 Meanwhile in Pomelo Pines…

A giant tentacle slams Sal Jr. through the window of a suburban home. Shattered glass fills the scene. Duck the Chicken is also turned upside down and mid air with feathers mixing with the chaos.

1. SJ: “DAD HELP!!!”

PAGE 2 - Six Panels

Panel One

We then see the exterior, aerial shot. A giant squid is pressed against the outside of this home. Engulfing it. Typical Leave it to Beaver/ 50’s style suburban neighborhood.

Panel Two-Four

Back inside the home as SJ struggles with the tentacle on the floor of a bedroom, Duck is plucking at the beast when Sal Sr. flings open the door. He’s dressed in a  cardigan and yellow slacks and with old west gun belt/holster around his waist. Hand on pistol, no need to aim.

1. SFX: Blammo Blammo

Panel Five

The tentacle is severed and slithering back out the window. The other half, now limp, loosens its grip on SJ who is huffing and puffing gathering his composure.

Panel Six

The squid slithers out of the backyard like a wounded child.

PAGE 3 

Sal Sr. wears a permanent scowl. He doesn’t even bother to take a glance at the aftermath, turns and walks out the door. SJ scrambles to his feet to chase after his father. Sal Sr. walks down a set of stairs. Against the wall we see an assortment of family photos. Sal Sr., his wife Cathy, and SJ at various stages in his life. Sal Sr. has the same scowl in all of them.

SJ follows his father down the stairs with Duck the Chicken by his side. Sal SR. stops at the base of the steps, doesn’t bother to turn, then mutters 

1. Sal Sr.: “You coulda damaged my trophy room dummy.”

2. SJ: “Dad, hear me out.” He pulls out a rolled up comic book from his back pocket. He unfurls it and it’s a silver age book called “The Saga of Sarsaparilla Sal”. The issue is numbered #6 and features a young cowboy fighting a giant alien squid on the cover. 

3. SJ: “ I just want to be a hero like you Dad...” Sal Sr. snatches the comic from SJ’s hands

4. Sal Sr.: “Last thing the world needs is another hero. Especially one like you.”

PAGE 4

SJ follows Sal Sr. into the trophy room.

1. SJ: “Dad, listen I’m sorry ok. Rupert told me the squid took weeks to grow.” He pulls out a grow your own squid package from his front pocket. Just add water!

2. Sal Sr.: “Rupert!?” HypnoNaut’s good for nuttin’ kin? That boy sells snake oils and tchotkes on the side of the freeway fer a living. He don’t have the brain god gave little green apples.” Sal Sr. slaps the comic on his desk.

The trophy room is FULL of mementos celebrating Sal Sr.’s career. 

*Note: Photos of Sal Sr with other Silver Aged heroes, presidents and dignitaries. Glass cases with rayguns, odd mechanical devices, etc. All crazy comic book stuff. Behind the desk is a gaudy Westen outfit also encased in a glass display. Orange and yellow with tassles, the whole nine. 

Sal Sr plunks down behind his wooden desk into a lush leather chair.

1. SJ: “I was just goofing around. I’m sorry, I really…”

2. Sal Sr.: “GOOFIN’!?” He reaches up to rub his temple.

3. SJ: “Look around boy! I’ve defeated unspeakable evil time and time again, saved the worlds biscuits more than a baker wearin’ a baseball mitt.”

SJ clutches Duck the chicken and gulps.

4. Sal Sr.: “Now I got myself a good fer nuttin’ lollygagging loafer, tellin’ me about goofin’. Try walking in my boots and you’d know why tomfoolery ain’t tolerated in this house!”

DC looks up and admires a photo of his dad as a young man holding a bear in a headlock. The frame has a engraved plate that reads “Yellowstone 1963”.

Sal Sr continues

1. Sal Sr: “I had high hopes fer you but it became apparent early on you were a few bristles short of a broom. A fellers gotta accept his fate and my reward for all the good I done...was you.” He picks up the comic again. And lets out a light chuckle.

2. Sal Sr: “They got the darn Squids head all wrong. Plus it was purple, not green...” He continues to flip through the pages.

As Sal Sr. starts to drift off into memories, SJ and Duck shrug in unison then walk out.

Upstairs SJ is fixing the hole in his wall with wood and nails.

1. SJ: “There just has to be a way to earn Dad’s respect Duck.” 

Duck just keeps plucking at the wood with his beak as if he were nailing it in.

2. SJ: “Always telling me how great he was back in the day before I was born. The great Sarsaparilla Sam. I only know him as Crusty McGrump!”

In a mocking tone: “Try walking in my boots, Hrmph!”

 

With nails in the corner of his mouth he raises his eyebrow like a man who just realized something important. He stops his work on the wall, jumps into his desk chair and starts scribbling something down on a scrap of paper.

SJ peeks into his dad’s office and sees him asleep in the chair. He tiptoes past his dad towards the trophy case that holds the Sarsaparilla Sal suit. While opening the glass door there is a loud creak. Sal Jr winces but realizes his dad is still snoring away in the chair. He runs upstairs and tosses the uniform into a suitcase. Duck  jumps on top and the latch seals with a clack.

Carrying the briefcase he rushes into the kitchen. His mother, Cathy, is sitting at the kitchen table. Face buried in the newspaper’s crossword puzzle. SJ goes to put a banana in his pocket but it doesn’t fit. He reaches in and pulls out the squid growing packet that still has a shrunken, dried squid capsule in it.

SJ: In a low tone- Almost forgot these, better get rid of ‘em before I can get in any more trouble.

He tosses them in the garbage disposal inside the sink and clicks the switch on and off to the tune of a quick whirr.

Cathy acknowledges her son without looking up from her crossword.

Cathy: “You say something hon?”

SJ: “No Ma, just grabbing a quick snack. Gotta go prove dad wrong!”

Cathy: “Oh jeez. You and your father. I might as well live in a bee’s nest. Is he mad about that racket you were making?”

SJ: “A... little.”

He smiles despite his mother not looking at him. It’s ok she can hear it in his voice.

Cathy chuckles

Cathy: “What’s an eight letter word for family? Hmm... Insanity.”

SJ chuckles too

SJ: “Gotta run Ma. Love ya!”

He fits the banana in his pocket, kisses her gently on the top of her head and exits. Duck looks suspiciously back at the sink.

Cathy: “Love you too snugbugs. Will you be home for dinn-”

Front door slams shut. Thwack.

SJ rides off into the dusk on his bike, fully decked out in his dad's old garb. He’s laid the suitcase on top of the front basket for Duck to sit on. His feathers pinned back from the breeze.

 We see them triumphantly riding off and in the background the house suddenly has tentacles busting out of the first floor windows.

Story Title: Go your Own Way

Credits

End of Issue One

Flash #163

Originally published November 1st 2017


                                                                        

"I like weird and wacky!" No, this isn't a code word to get into the fetish club downtown. Ahem... I think. Rather, It's a statement that tends to be uttered at least once by every fan of the Silver Age. It's also remarkably true. The majority of stories published between '56-'70 had to flirt with the bizarre. Some just had a dance, others brought it home to meet the folks but either way it was a glorious era to be absurd.

If you've ever read any of my previous work, it's fairly obvious I'm a huge fan. Not my utmost favorite age (that would be Bronze) yet who can resist all of those whimsical plot threads and colorful creativity?

Barry Allen actually kicked off this period in the pages of Showcase #4 and despite his O.G. status, I  haven't read many of his adventures during that epoch. A lot of books cross my desk but the moment I saw this cover urgency struck. I mean c'mon, there he is in his talk to the hand pose insisting that I save his life. Naturally, I cracked it open post haste. The scarlet speedster needs ME! Or did he? Let's take a gander at The Flash #163 " The Flash stakes his life--on--you!" cover dated August 1966. Written by John Broome, penciled by Carmine Infantino with inks from Joe Giella.

                                                       

I may be showing my age here but personally whenever someone proclaims "STOP!", my mind immediately flashes to Estelle Getty rocking a glock. Anyone else recall the 1992 cinematic masterpiece "Stop! or my Mom will Shoot"? The hours I spent as a 14 year old watching this flick filled with phallic follies and stale punchlines. What IS funny though, a Flash cover reminds me how wrong I was to believe Sylvester Stallone turned a corner as a comedic actor. The power of Back Issues at work here people! I digress...

                                               "Yo Ma, whaddya think of MY Meatloaf?"

The villain in this book BLOWS. Pretty bold way to describe a guy but it's no exaggeration. This tale starts with him using a powerful puff to dissipate our hero. See what I did there? You better, I expect my readers to come equipped with a gong to punish me for my pathetic puns.  This scoundrels real accomplishment isn't defeating a Justice Leaguer on the teaser page. It's overcoming his uncanny resemblance to the Iron Sheik and claiming victory by other means than a headlock.

                                                              

"I think Hulk Hogan would prefer the Whistle Tickle finishing move."

The Flash is speeding his way around Central City while on a pier, a little girl accidentally drops her doll into the ocean. No job is too small for the fastest man alive. He zips over water to grab the lost toy. Nice to see Flashy boy isn't above some blue collar rescuing of inanimate objects. The writer notes this small act of kindness will play out later on. Hmm... wishful thinking, the Barbie taking a dip is retconned as the origin of the Anti-Monitor. Bit of a stretch? They say I'm a dreamer.

                                                              

"How many times I've said 'never' after a night of drinking. You got a lot to learn kiddo."

Back to the Iron Sheik lookalike. His name is sure to instill terror into the hearts of men, ready for it? Mr.Haddon! Yeah, more like your 6th grade History teacher than treacherous tyrant. I've got the wrong subject though as it turns out he's quite science enthusiast. So much so, he's created an insane invention. Let's try to wrap our minds around this: According to Haddon, belief in ourselves is based on how others feel about us. So he's developed radiation that will erase a populations memory of a specific person. They forget someone exists and that person will disappear. You really got to have a broken Beaker to come up with that one. This weapon still needs some fine tuning. Witness the saddest first appearance in DC Comics history, Haddon's cat "Jessica". This furry feline only wanted some milk but received oblivion. Someone get Selina Kyle on the horn.

                                                              

"R.I.P. Jessica the Invisible Lab Rat Cat 1966-1966."

Haddon uses the radiation on Central City. Now that no one remembers Barry, he begins to turn into a mist. He tries to run around  and get the attention of someone, but they just think he's a nut job in a funny suit. Reduced to nothing more than second hand smoke, he still believes crime waits for no man..er..ghost thingy. A store alarm rings in the distance and Flash races to the scene to discover Haddon robbing the joint. With bags full of cash in each hand he takes a trick from the Big Bad Wolf Handbook by Huffing, puffing and blowing the Flash around.

                                                              

"What do Marty McFly and the Flash have in common? Great at fucking up timelines."

Guiding Barry's wispy form back to his lab, Haddon lays out his evil plan. With the Flash incapacitated he's free to steal and use the money to move to an island and become it's King. Seriously. Once the final person stops believing in the Flash...poof. Haddon is so confident in himself, he chomps on a congratulatory stogie and leaves Barry in his lair. So if no one can remember the Flash, how is he still alive? Rewind to that nugget on the docks.

   

"Where the hell are this kids parents? Is her Dad the Gorton's Fisherman?"

YES! The little girl with a case of the butter fingers! That's right, she would "never, never, never" forget him for rescuing dolly. The scene itself where he discovers she is the lone believer does play out a tad creepy in a lock down Chuck E. Cheese kind of way. If you find that odd, it doesn't stop there. The Flash still needs to regain full form by refreshing the rest of Central City's memory. In the age before e-mail, my baby...she wrote me a letter.

                                                             

"As bands in the 90's understood, flyers were the ultimate promotional tool."

Just like memes in modern times, people believed everything they read back in the day. Kinkos be damned, Barry just writes a butt load of leaflets and hands them out to people on the street. By golly, it actually works! The more they read, his body is restored. Now at full strength, The Flash is ready to smash the 'Stache.

                                                              

"If I could only have Tom Selleck's lush head of hair, I would be UNSTOPPABLE!"

Haddon is enjoying some Magnum P.I. fashion and Kooey Kooey Kooey servitude in a tropical locale. Heavy is the head that wears the crown  as he can't quite put a finger on how he achieved his success. Screw it, He's still living the dream. King of an island, armed guards and plenty pineapples can't erase the feeling someone is out to get him. Paranoia proves to be prudent if not effective. The Flash promptly busts his party up and puts his shiny melon behind bars.

Was this one a classic? Nope. Not even close. The story proved to be terribly boring. Had the writer opted to embrace the insanity of the time period it may have been saved. Take the Mind Erasing Machine for example. I don't have a problem with it's function being vague but they should have went all out with it. No cool design, colorful beams of light or anything really. Just an old burger warmer from Wendy's.

There's a back up story featuring Abra Kadabra but by this point you can tell the creators had better things to do with their day than care what got published that month. I suppose an argument could be made Infantino's pencil work is the one redeeming quality but we've got a flat liner here. Four color Ambien. The Surgeon General advises against reading this prior to operating machinery.

Thanks for the iconic cover guys but here's to wishing I could wash my brain clean of this one. Maybe watching some T.V. will help with that...oh HELL yes!

                                                             



-David Schultz




*All images/video clips are rights of their respective owners. Links to external sites are used solely for informational purposes.

Showcase #55

Originally published August 23rd 2017

                                                                          

Solomon Grundy born on a Monday, died on a Saturday. Every article written about him starts with the nursery rhyme. It's officially part of his origin and immediately recognized by fans. That's all fine and dandy but I prefer to think of him as the villain who made Clamdiggers cool. Some of you may refer to them as Capri pants. The fact  remains, Solomon could easily show up at Pee Wee Soccer practice and mix with the Moms.

                                                                

 "Grundy did you forget the orange slices again?"

Fashion choices aside, I can't say I've ever been overly fond of the character. There are actually a lot of cool elements there. A reanimated corpse spawned from Slaughter Swamp. Totally creepy monster. Has swapped dukes with just about every major hero in the DC Universe. Then I remember the negatives that turn me off. Talks like a buffoon. Resorts to petty crime. Frankenstein wants his shtick back.

I needed to find just the right avenue to get my Grundy on. Previously my exposure tended to come from his misadventures with Swamp Thing.  This time around, I traveled 52 years in the past and cracked open a copy of Showcase #55 cover dated April, 1965. "Solomon Grundy goes on a Rampage" isn't the snappiest title but it was written and drawn by legendary creators Gardner Fox and Murphy Anderson.

                                                                                   


I may have gone a little overboard talking about Grundy as the issue actually features some DC luminaries not to be sniffed at. Dr.Fate, Hourman and Green Lantern are the hot tickets in town. One of which, like Grundy, I need a little help in gaining respect for. Hopefully, this book can kill two birds in that department. Who of that trio could I possibly roll my eyes over? Hourman. The guy pops a pill and gets powers for one hour. Kinda lame, I mean there's tons of dudes who down a Viagra and claim to have super strength running around nowadays. Plus, where the hell did he buy that cape? Maybe he just snagged a beach towel from someones clothes line.

                                                              

"I assure you, this cougar was properly dried before I punched it in the spleen."

First thing you need to know about this story is doors aren't cool anymore. At least not in the traditional sense. Knob salesmen look away this will be the stuff of nightmares. It appears that during the 60's entering via rectangle was quite square. Walking through walls or access via a hatch was all the rage. Thankfully this was fixed post crisis, resulting in bad guys knocking prior to shooting you.

                                                              

"Finding someone willing to deliver a pizza is impossible around here."

Grundy has returned to Earth. During a previous battle with the Golden Age Green Lantern Alan Scott, he was imprisoned in an emerald globe and shot into space. Able to shift his weight around, he navigated his way through the cosmos back to his beloved marsh. The impact attracted the attention of Dr.Fate. Arriving at the crash site he magically reassembles the shards and is amazed that G.L. can blow such a big bubble from a single stick of gum.

                                                              

"Will the Lanterns ever learn? Forcing your balls on us doesn't work!"

Didn't take long for me to find another reason to dislike Hourman. When he's not frolicking around in Sears latest bath linens, you can call him Rex Tyler. Proud owner of the Tyler Chemical Company just outside of beautiful Gotham City. What's the problem with this secret alias? Not much besides the fact he's responsible for a crap ton of pollution. Think there's any three eyed frogs out there cursing his name? Hmm...we may have to revisit that later.

"Are thought balloons admissible in court?"

Hourman is eager to protect all that sweet radioactive sludge so he trudges into the swamp with a handful of his "Miraclo" capsules. Solomon comes out swinging and promptly puts Rexy on his keester. Dr. Fate swoops in with a slew of spells that do diddly-poo until he pulls an odd one out of the deck. Remember the cover image where he's crackling with energy and stiff like he stole Hourman's prescription? Turns out to be a case of playing possum. Grundy believes he has Fate dead to rights but gets frozen in place by contact. Probably jealous that Fate's mannequin routine is more interesting than his entire backstory, Hourman plants a punch into Grundy's bread basket ruining the entire trap.

 "DC should have considered copyrighting Man-Thing."

This ill timed blow proved to be pretty costly. Not only did it allow Grundy to get away but Hourman basically just crossed the streams. It figures he'd be the one to bring the bad juju. Now, not only do their powers fail when they are in close proximity, they can't control the urge to kill each other. It also created a side effect where Solomon Grundy attracts objects made of wood. As he stomps off, all the junk from Grandma's back yard follows suit.

"Hey, it's got 73% rating on Rotten Tomatoes already!"

Wanting revenge on his jailer, Solomon struts into Gotham and robs a bank. Green Lantern arrives and we're subjected to the worst weakness in comics. Yep, Alan Scott can't handle wood. The debris Grundy had hovering around put G.L. down for the count. Undone by a broken coffee table leg. Oh, the humanity! Grundy scoops him up and back to Slaughter Swamp they go. FYI, flicking a toothpick at him is just as effective as a thunderbolt.

    

"If Pinocchio shows up... he's screwed."

Meanwhile, Dr.Fate and Hourman have realized by staying at a reasonable distance the spell wears off.  Unfortunately there's no time for high fives or bro hugs . That toxic waste the Tyler Corporation has been dumping transformed Alan into a Grundy Lantern!  It's as cool  as you imagine but short lived. Fate finally whips up an incantation that works reverting him to human form. The three heroes use their individual abilities to wear Grundy down. What to do with him? Surprise! They encase him in yet another orb and knock him out of orbit like a cue ball.

                                                              

"Buddy, hate to break it to you but a visit to the dermatologist is in order."

Sure I poked a decent amount of fun at it but Showcase #55 was awesome. Just a really fun read all around. It may be one of my favorite silver age yarns to be honest. Holding up extraordinarily well, this classic is a testament to the talents of Fox and Anderson. I highly recommend you pick this up, physical or digital.

Can I say I'm more of a Grundy fan after checking this out? Maybe a little. This did nothing to change my perception of the dumb lug but I'm more interested in checking out his adventures, especially from this era. What I will say, without a doubt, Hourman can take a hike. Give me the android version any day of the week. He deserves credit for one thing though. Rex Tyler was rocking a time piece for a necklace long before Flavor Flav was even born. Now stop polluting the environment and ditch the stupid costume ya jerk.

                                                              



-David Schutz


*All images/video clips are rights of their respective owners. Links to external sites are used solely for informational purposes.

House of Mystery #148

Originally published August 5th 2017


                                                                             

House of Mystery has long been associated with horror but it actually featured superhero stories from #143- #173. Martian Manhunter aka J’onn J’onzz was the main attraction for the majority of that span. He’s always confused me a little. Not the character overall but rather his popularity. The dude is a straight up heavy hitter in the DC Universe and when he comes up in conversation among fans there is genuine affection there.

So why can’t J’onn hold on to a solo title like the other big guns? He’s an original member of the Justice League who has appeared in video games, animation and live action TV. He’s also been in so many titles, I wouldn’t be surprised to see him DNA tested on Maury.

                                                              

 "Grant Morrison is a HO!”

I suppose it’s fitting to follow up a paternity test anecdote with Martian Manhunter battling a race of prophylactics. Wait, don’t tell me you don’t recall the Clash with the Condoms back in ’65? All good, that’s what I’m here for. Let’s take a peek at House of Mystery #148 “The Beings in the Color Rings” ( I preferred my title too) by Dave Wood and Joe Certa.

                                                                            


Before we examine the story, I have to be honest with you. I don’t care for sidekicks. Some have a place. Marvel’s Rick Jones or DC’s Robin for example, had important roles in comic book history. Mention the likes of D-Man or say, any animal in a cape to me and prepare for a look that will melt your face off. J’onn may have had one of the worst of the bunch in Zook. He’s cute, resembles a teddy bear, speaks like a child and every time he appears on panel, I want to punt the little bastard into next week.

                                                                

“I’m gonna bring you home and flush you like a turd.”

The issue begins with Bedford City being attacked by a strange creature from the sky. J’onn hears the radio bulletin while chilling in his mountain lair and deducts it must be a manifestation of “The Idol Head of Diabolu”. Other than having a name that rolls off the tongue, Diabolu was an artifact from Mars that granted ordinary folks powers. If his suspicion of it’s involvement is true, we can add giving baby toys sentience to it’s resume.

                                                              

“Let your kid play with these at your own peril pal…”

So what form of evil is this thing capable of? Basically, it tosses rings around that suck up items of corresponding colors only to spit them back out sans pigment. Yellow ring picks up a yellow taxi and voila, it’s white. Before you head to the rooftops and start yelling “Cheeseballs!” at the heavens let me remind you this was the sensational Silver Age. An era chock full of random plot points, so there is one cool thing it can do… summon an electrified two headed octopus!

                                                              

  “J’onn please. Don’t be rude. It’s name is Larry and he has a Massage License.”

This proves to be a let down. The wannabe Wacky Wall Crawler is merely a mirage. Something that does please me however, was back in the day heroes had powers to suit any pickle. Kids nowadays with their search engines will never understand the importance of  “Super Memory”. That’s right, us old timers used to walk to school during blizzards and had to use our alien brains to access the Encyclopedia Britannica. The struggle was real. Oh before I forget, the Earth is about to be enslaved by ringworm hungry for paint.

                                                                                    

“The Rainbow Paint Factory appears to be constructed from a crossword puzzle.”

Rather than fight any more imaginary beasts, J’onn has a plan. It’s terribly stupid but hey, if you haven’t noticed already, this isn’t the finest work of fiction. He decides the ringworm is absorbing colors and sending them somewhere. If he can become bait maybe the source will be revealed. Showing exemplary carpeting skills, he rolls up giant piece of turf to call attention to green. The trick works and he’s whisked away to another dimension. May I remind you he’s already the correct hue so the sod sushi is a bit unnecessary.

                                                              

“Little known fact: Martian Manhunter taught Bob Marley how to twist a spliff.”

At the start, I referred to this yarn as the Clash with the Condoms. Well I’ll be damned if the “disk people” he encounters are not related to rubbers. Seriously. They seem harmless at first. “Color gives us power” and all that jazz but their real intent is to oppress Earthlings and coat the world in latex. Just kidding, I made that last part up but it’s actually an improvement to the plot.

     

  “This Halloween, tell your friends it’s a Disk Person costume.” 

Now that our hero has found himself at the mercy of sinister love gloves, how does he save the day? Surprise…he doesn’t. J’onn actually gets his Martian mutton roasted by the baddies. All seems lost until, and I’d rather swallow nails than say this but Zook comes to the rescue. A character I can’t stand shows up, yanks him out of out of trouble and this issue wraps up with J’onn remarking he owes the city a patch of grass.

This book was ghostwritten and I completely understand the creators not wanting to be associated with it. Rancid from start to finish, I had zero enthusiasm to check out the back up feature “The Man who Hated his Powers”. The story was one of the worst I’ve ever read. That’s saying something. I can usually justify the existence of a comic by relating to the time period it was released but in this case, the defense rests.

If your a hardcore Martian Manhunter fan or just someone interested in learning more about him, this is not for you. On the other hand, if you’re eager to get your Zook on, He’s the true protagonist in this drivel. Read away and prepare for a robust slap to be delivered by yours truly.


-David Schultz




*All images/video clips are rights of their respective owners. Links to external sites are used solely for informational purposes.

Metamorpho #4

Originally published June 15th 2017

                                                                      

While it doesn't happen often, sometimes a cover grabs me. It's so enticing that I can't resist getting a little giddy to see what's inside. Metamorpho #4 dated Jan-Feb. 1966 is exactly what the Doctor ordered. It's colorful, action packed and takes you on an adventure prior to page one. Pure silver aged goodness.

Now that the front of the book has amused my avacados, let's open it up and find out if the carpet matches the drapes. First off, here are the creators that brought us Metamorpho's Mexican migration titled "The Awesome Escapades of the Abominable Playboy".


                                                   

I've written about the scripter Bob Haney before in Two Staple Gold. Be sure to give that column a look see. Shameless self promotion is my middle name. Sorry Bob...

The renowned Ramona Fradon penciled this groovy little gordita.  She is truly a living legend. Besides being the co-creator of Metamorpho, her Aquaman work is considered some of the most iconic in the history of the character. Spending the majority of her career at DC, Ramona also drew the Brenda Starr newspaper strip from 1980 until her retirement as an illustrator in 1995.

Something you need to know about Rex Mason aka Metamorpho. He may be one butt ugly dude but deep down he's a romantic. 'Morpho was created by mad scientist Simon Stagg and he's in love with Simon's daughter Sapphire. Sure, her dad is nuttier than a bag of bolts, has a creepy cro-magnon as an assistant and her name is suitable for a stripper but what a looker! From a readers perspective, this makes for an interesting supporting cast to say the least.

                                                              

"That's funny. 'El Bonehead Stupendo' was my nickname in college. Small world."

Problem is, Sapphire is one fickle female. She has feelings for Rex but wants more attention. How does one garner extra affection from DC's resident Elemental Man? Easy, he may be able turn his limbs to steel but isn't impervious to a taste of jealousy. That bitter nectar can make the most steadfast superhero a little loco.

                                                              

"Could've started Operation: Honesty but the story would've ended next panel."

She selects "Cha-Cha" Chavez, an over the top latin lover as the tool for her spite campaign. A Mexican millionaire who's wealth is a mystery. In an impressive initial act, he showers Sapphire's home with flowers. So much so that Team 'Morpho must escape to the roof. He then displays his redesign of Mt.Rushmore featuring Sapphire's likeness. Ridiculous? Absolutely, but her dad is sold.

                                                              

"Wonder when 'Bring her Hot Fudge' makes it's debut on Urban Dictionary."

Metamorpho isn't pleased Cha-Cha is moving Heaven and Earth to woo is gal but has no say in the matter when the entire clan is invited to board his yacht for a trip to his homeland. Setting sail steaming mad, he notices something odd while stewing on the starboard side. A submarine has launched a torpedo at their boat. Rex quickly transforms into a Manganese Paravane (hell if I knew what that was) and destroys the missile.

 

"Technically, if there were no time a paperclip would have been a logical choice."

In the process, Metamorpho managed to also blow himself to bits. His limbs conveniently land on board the yacht. Speaking of opportune situations, there happens to be a lab below deck that Stagg uses to piece his monster back together. He better hurry, an attack plane has started spraying​ bullets at everyone topside. Returning in time to save the day, our hero smells something fishy. Accusing Cha-Cha​ of foul play,  it's explained as a Mexican way of saying howdy. Nice excuse buddy. What's next, your Chihuahua ate your homework?

 

"OK Chavez enough malarkey...wait, that dog is friggin' HUGE!"

Settling in at Cha-Cha's mansion proves to be no picnic either. The source of his money is indeed based in criminal activity. He's an arms dealer and angry rebels have stormed the compound. In a blaze of gunfire, they kidnap Simon Stagg and his lackey Java. Well, take a wild guess who has to go off and save everyone's guacamole again. This time however, rather than transform into some wacky device, he rolls like a native. Hi-Ho Silver away! Bad ass to the max dude.

 

" Sir...that cigar WILL BE AVENGED!"

The hostages have been put before a firing squad for their affiliation with Chavez. Simon, who in the beginning would have covered himself in chicken feathers for the man now renounces him to no avail. As the guns go off, Metamorpho rides in and turns his arm into what he calls an "iron mitt". To me it looks like a giant ladle but I suppose that's a tough feature to sell when marketing your powers. "What can you do?" they ask. "Me, I turn into an indestructible spoon!". Yeah, iron mitt it is.

                                                              

"The DCU Ping Pong Champion of 1966"

The rebellion realizes they stand no chance versus a superhuman, so rather than fight they make their case to Metamorpho. They inform him that Cha-Cha Chavez is a dictator that goes by the name "El Lupo" and is one cutthroat bastard. The weapons he procures are used against his own countrymen. 'Morpho is having none of that. Sapphire is still in the grubby grasp of that sinister señor. He rallies the troops and rides back to the hacienda only to discover Cha-Cha​ escaping via helicopter with his lady.

                                                              

"At that height, I think I'd just jump out of the damned thing."

They've fled to the Capital where Metamorpho goes incognito mosquito in a nifty sombrero, following their tracks to a bull fight. The nation's insurgents has taken to him, spray painting propaganda throughout the city in his name. Beats having your phone number scrawled in bathroom stall by comparison.

 

"For a good time call Geoff Johns."

After entering the arena, Metamorpho discovers that the bull has been fitted with a booby trap. The tip of it's horns are actually bomb detonators. One tap and the stadium gets blown to smithereens. Well, say no more. This looks like a job for Meta-Matrador, Ole! Yeah, I just made that nickname up but I kind of dig it. The crowd, unaware of their lives being in danger are wowed by Meta-Matrador's skills. He proceeds to reshape into various forms, avoiding a perilous poke. 'Morpho snaps off the pesky prick, saving the lives of the onlookers but leaving the Bull with a case of antler envy.

 

"Isn't that illegal? Shouldn't he get a yellow card or something?"

Defeated, Cha-Cha tries to make off with Sapphire. Java the caveman jumps to the rescue  but you just knew somebody was gonna get jabbed in the ass, or as I lovingly refer to it as a "toro tickled". With Java down for the count, Metamorpho turns himself into gelatin glue and stops our bad guy in his tracks. That's right, a scoundrel undone by a snack! Shouldn't be surprised though as Jello sure did a number on Bill Cosby and Lindsay Lohan. Talk about getting yourself into sticky situations! Ahem...

"J-E-L-L-Oh hell NO!"

Full disclosure, I left a couple of plot points out of my recap. Why? I really want you to go check this out. It's campy as you imagine but the book is crazier than a pinata filled with firecrackers. I love the ever living crap out of it. Props to me for not fully spoiling a fifty one year old comic. Gotta take my pats on the back where I can get them people.

Here's a novel idea. Some of you may be familiar with the Justice League Action cartoon. It's actually pretty rad and my kid really enjoys it. Why not take some silver age yarns like this one and adapt them to animation? It can't be faithfully reproduced as some of the subject matter isn't suitable for kids these days but it's the whole enchilada when it comes to silly entertainment. See that, I'm an idea man. Show me the dinero.
Pick this one up. It's a classic.