I've decided to purge my computer of the dirty secrets hidden within its hard drive. Oh! Not anything that nasty you freak! No, I'm referring to projects I've written over the years that have never seen the light of day. It's high time I dust off the virtual cobwebs and share some stories with the splendid shrouds that populate the internet. Yep... that means YOU.
This little ditty happens to be one of my favorites and quite honestly, I'd go absolutely gaga to see it published. Plus, there's a nice history to the piece. It is my first any only writing collaboration with my good pal, prolific podcaster and true colossus of comic recap content, Chris Sheehan.
I was first introduced to Chris thanks to his highly informative show called The Cosmic Treadmill. We became fast friends after I had contacted him on Twitter in regards to how much I enjoyed the program and the in-depth comic talk, he and his co-host Reggie, scripted for the show. It turned out that Chris and I shared a love for similar material, experiences as collectors and quite frankly, we basically have the same sense of humor. I apologize to Chris's family and friends for admitting that last fact to the general public. Witness relocation options are available upon request.
Isn't the internet grand? Sure beat having to write my pen pals in prison. Chris and I eventually teamed up for some podcasting projects that were a lot of fun, but a few years back we decided to actually join forces on a comic. So we hit the web and searched for characters in the public domain that would be a hoot to play with and trust me when I say, there is a sandbox full of awesome capes that deserve more recognition.
We settled on a gaudy western hero and then, a chicken that fought Satan. Yeah, you read that correctly. A devil fighting fowl. How cool would that team up be, right? But wait, we wanted to stir the pot just a wee bit more. What if we didn't focus on the western hero himself but rather his goofball kid? The chicken will be his best friend and our script will be based in a world shaped by the exploits of retired silver age superheroes. Nice!
Chris and I went about hammering out the details via Google Docs and had a few laughs. That also happened to be a key element we wanted included in the book, comedy. The premise was wacky, so let's write a script that can elicit some chuckles from the readers. This isn't dark or gritty beat 'em up fare, but rather something light that provides a touch of hope. While I can't speak for Chris, I was heavily influenced by Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League and the works of Mike Allred. Those are the vibes I wanted to project.
Unfortunately, as with many good intentioned things, the script got left to die on Google Docs. Despite our love for comics, we didn't have the resources or proper know how to actually get our own to print. Not to mention we were missing a huge ingredient needed for any four color fantasy... an artist! Neither of us can draw particularly well and definitely not even remotely good enough to properly present our ideas for publication. All of this takes moolah we don't got.
Not so long ago, frustrated with our words just sitting alone in the cloud, I did a tiny reboot. Oh yeah, I rebooted a comic that was never released! My head must be wrapped in discarded 90's holofoil. Seriously though, lets call it proper, 'twas an edit. Considering that we fleshed out our tale on a public domain skeleton rather than just using those characters outright, I renamed the main players. Tip of the cap to those bones, but realistically, Chris and I did more creating than borrowing anyhow. The notion of using a straight up public domain character served as a spark, not the core.
I ended up choosing the name Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. for the hero and named the chicken Duck. Then started the process of writing the second issue solo, knowing that it also may never be given newsprint to breathe. (Yeppers, I've always imagined going old school with this and seeing it printed on sweet smelling newsprint baby.)
That's the backdrop for what you're about to read. I hope you enjoy it and if you do, feel free to say so. It never hurts to get some constructive criticism or to know people would actually be interested in reading the further adventures of Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. and his buddy Duck.
David Schultz
1/27/21
Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. #1
By David Schultz (Plot/Script) and Chris Sheehan (Plot)
PAGE 1 - One Panel Splash Page
Pt. 1 Meanwhile in Pomelo Pines…
A giant tentacle slams Sal Jr. through the window of a suburban home. Shattered glass fills the scene. Duck the Chicken is also turned upside down and mid air with feathers mixing with the chaos.
SJ: “DAD HELP!!!”
PAGE 2 - Six Panels
Panel One
We then see the exterior, aerial shot. A giant squid is pressed against the outside of this home. Engulfing it. Typical Leave it to Beaver/ 50’s style suburban neighborhood.
Panel Two-Four
Back inside the home as SJ struggles with the tentacle on the floor of a bedroom, Duck is plucking at the beast when Sal Sr. flings open the door. He’s dressed in a cardigan and yellow slacks and with old west gun belt/holster around his waist. Hand on pistol, no need to aim.
SFX: Blammo Blammo
Panel Five
The tentacle is severed and slithering back out the window. The other half, now limp, loosens its grip on SJ who is huffing and puffing gathering his composure.
Panel Six
The squid slithers out of the backyard like a wounded child.
PAGE 3
Sal Sr. wears a permanent scowl. He doesn’t even bother to take a glance at the aftermath, turns and walks out the door. SJ scrambles to his feet to chase after his father. Sal Sr. walks down a set of stairs. Against the wall we see an assortment of family photos. Sal Sr., his wife Cathy, and SJ at various stages in his life. Sal Sr. has the same scowl in all of them.
SJ follows his father down the stairs with Duck the Chicken by his side. Sal SR. stops at the base of the steps, doesn’t bother to turn, then mutters
Sal Sr.: “You coulda damaged my trophy room dummy.”
SJ: “Dad, hear me out.” He pulls out a rolled up comic book from his back pocket. He unfurls it and it’s a silver age book called “The Saga of Sarsaparilla Sal”. The issue is numbered #6 and features a young cowboy fighting a giant alien squid on the cover.
SJ: “ I just want to be a hero like you Dad...” Sal Sr. snatches the comic from SJ’s hands
Sal Sr.: “Last thing the world needs is another hero. Especially one like you.”
PAGE 4
SJ follows Sal Sr. into the trophy room.
SJ: “Dad, listen I’m sorry ok. Rupert told me the squid took weeks to grow.” He pulls out a grow your own squid package from his front pocket. Just add water!
Sal Sr.: “Rupert!?” HypnoNaut’s good for nuttin’ kin? That boy sells snake oils and tchotkes on the side of the freeway fer a living. He don’t have the brain god gave little green apples.” Sal Sr. slaps the comic on his desk.
The trophy room is FULL of mementos celebrating Sal Sr.’s career.
*Note: Photos of Sal Sr with other Silver Aged heroes, presidents and dignitaries. Glass cases with rayguns, odd mechanical devices, etc. All crazy comic book stuff. Behind the desk is a gaudy Westen outfit also encased in a glass display. Orange and yellow with tassles, the whole nine.
Sal Sr plunks down behind his wooden desk into a lush leather chair.
SJ: “I was just goofing around. I’m sorry, I really…”
Sal Sr.: “GOOFIN’!?” He reaches up to rub his temple.
SJ: “Look around boy! I’ve defeated unspeakable evil time and time again, saved the worlds biscuits more than a baker wearin’ a baseball mitt.”
SJ clutches Duck the chicken and gulps.
Sal Sr.: “Now I got myself a good fer nuttin’ lollygagging loafer, tellin’ me about goofin’. Try walking in my boots and you’d know why tomfoolery ain’t tolerated in this house!”
DC looks up and admires a photo of his dad as a young man holding a bear in a headlock. The frame has a engraved plate that reads “Yellowstone 1963”.
Sal Sr continues
Sal Sr: “I had high hopes fer you but it became apparent early on you were a few bristles short of a broom. A fellers gotta accept his fate and my reward for all the good I done...was you.” He picks up the comic again. And lets out a light chuckle.
Sal Sr: “They got the darn Squids head all wrong. Plus it was purple, not green...” He continues to flip through the pages.
As Sal Sr. starts to drift off into memories, SJ and Duck shrug in unison then walk out.
Upstairs SJ is fixing the hole in his wall with wood and nails.
SJ: “There just has to be a way to earn Dad’s respect Duck.”
Duck just keeps plucking at the wood with his beak as if he were nailing it in.
SJ: “Always telling me how great he was back in the day before I was born. The great Sarsaparilla Sam. I only know him as Crusty McGrump!”
In a mocking tone: “Try walking in my boots, Hrmph!”
With nails in the corner of his mouth he raises his eyebrow like a man who just realized something important. He stops his work on the wall, jumps into his desk chair and starts scribbling something down on a scrap of paper.
SJ peeks into his dad’s office and sees him asleep in the chair. He tiptoes past his dad towards the trophy case that holds the Sarsaparilla Sal suit. While opening the glass door there is a loud creak. Sal Jr winces but realizes his dad is still snoring away in the chair. He runs upstairs and tosses the uniform into a suitcase. Duck jumps on top and the latch seals with a clack.
Carrying the briefcase he rushes into the kitchen. His mother, Cathy, is sitting at the kitchen table. Face buried in the newspaper’s crossword puzzle. SJ goes to put a banana in his pocket but it doesn’t fit. He reaches in and pulls out the squid growing packet that still has a shrunken, dried squid capsule in it.
SJ: In a low tone- Almost forgot these, better get rid of ‘em before I can get in any more trouble.
He tosses them in the garbage disposal inside the sink and clicks the switch on and off to the tune of a quick whirr.
Cathy acknowledges her son without looking up from her crossword.
Cathy: “You say something hon?”
SJ: “No Ma, just grabbing a quick snack. Gotta go prove dad wrong!”
Cathy: “Oh jeez. You and your father. I might as well live in a bee’s nest. Is he mad about that racket you were making?”
SJ: “A... little.”
He smiles despite his mother not looking at him. It’s ok she can hear it in his voice.
Cathy chuckles
Cathy: “What’s an eight letter word for family? Hmm... Insanity.”
SJ chuckles too
SJ: “Gotta run Ma. Love ya!”
He fits the banana in his pocket, kisses her gently on the top of her head and exits. Duck looks suspiciously back at the sink.
Cathy: “Love you too snugbugs. Will you be home for dinn-”
Front door slams shut. Thwack.
SJ rides off into the dusk on his bike, fully decked out in his dad's old garb. He’s laid the suitcase on top of the front basket for Duck to sit on. His feathers pinned back from the breeze.
We see them triumphantly riding off and in the background the house suddenly has tentacles busting out of the first floor windows.
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