Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. #1

I've decided to purge my computer of the dirty secrets hidden within its hard drive. Oh! Not anything that nasty you freak! No, I'm referring to projects I've written over the years that have never seen the light of day. It's high time I dust off the virtual cobwebs and share some stories with the splendid shrouds that populate the internet. Yep... that means YOU.

This little ditty happens to be one of my favorites and quite honestly, I'd go absolutely gaga to see it published. Plus, there's a nice history to the piece. It is my first any only writing collaboration with my good pal, prolific podcaster and true colossus of comic recap content, Chris Sheehan.

I was first introduced to Chris thanks to his highly informative show called The Cosmic Treadmill.  We became fast friends after I had contacted him on Twitter in regards to how much I enjoyed the program and the in-depth comic talk, he and his co-host Reggie, scripted for the show. It turned out that Chris and I shared a love for similar material, experiences as collectors and quite frankly, we basically have the same sense of humor. I apologize to Chris's family and friends for admitting that last fact to the general public. Witness relocation options are available upon request.

Isn't the internet grand? Sure beat having to write my pen pals in prison. Chris and I eventually teamed up for some podcasting projects that were a lot of fun, but a few years back we decided to actually join forces on a comic. So we hit the web and searched for characters in the public domain that would be a hoot to play with and trust me when I say, there is a sandbox full of awesome capes that deserve more recognition.

We settled on a gaudy western hero and then, a chicken that fought Satan. Yeah, you read that correctly. A devil fighting fowl. How cool would that team up be, right? But wait, we wanted to stir the pot just a wee bit more. What if we didn't focus on the western hero himself but rather his goofball kid? The chicken will be his best friend and our script will be based in a world shaped by the exploits of retired silver age superheroes. Nice!

Chris and I went about hammering out the details via Google Docs and had a few laughs. That also happened to be a key element we wanted included in the book, comedy. The premise was wacky, so let's write a script that can elicit some chuckles from the readers. This isn't dark or gritty beat 'em up fare, but rather something light that provides a touch of hope. While I can't speak for Chris, I was heavily influenced by Giffen and DeMatteis's Justice League and the works of Mike Allred. Those are the vibes I wanted to project.

Unfortunately, as with many good intentioned things, the script got left to die on Google Docs. Despite our love for comics, we didn't have the resources or proper know how to actually get our own to print. Not to mention we were missing a huge ingredient needed for any four color fantasy... an artist! Neither of us can draw particularly well and definitely not even remotely good enough to properly present our ideas for publication. All of this takes moolah we don't got.

Not so long ago, frustrated with our words just sitting alone in the cloud, I did a tiny reboot. Oh yeah, I rebooted a comic that was never released! My head must be wrapped in discarded 90's holofoil. Seriously though, lets call it proper, 'twas an edit. Considering that we fleshed out our tale on a public domain skeleton rather than just using those characters outright, I renamed the main players. Tip of the cap to those bones, but realistically, Chris and I did more creating than borrowing anyhow. The notion of using a straight up public domain character served as a spark, not the core.

I ended up choosing the name Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. for the hero and named the chicken Duck. Then started the process of writing the second issue solo, knowing that it also may never be given newsprint to breathe. (Yeppers, I've always imagined going old school with this and seeing it printed on sweet smelling newsprint baby.)

That's the backdrop for what you're about to read. I hope you enjoy it and if you do, feel free to say so. It never hurts to get some constructive criticism or to know people would actually be interested in reading the further adventures of Sarsaparilla Sal Jr. and his buddy Duck.

David Schultz

1/27/21

Sarsaparilla Sal Jr.  #1

By David Schultz (Plot/Script) and Chris Sheehan (Plot)

PAGE 1 - One Panel Splash Page

Pt. 1 Meanwhile in Pomelo Pines…

A giant tentacle slams Sal Jr. through the window of a suburban home. Shattered glass fills the scene. Duck the Chicken is also turned upside down and mid air with feathers mixing with the chaos.

1. SJ: “DAD HELP!!!”

PAGE 2 - Six Panels

Panel One

We then see the exterior, aerial shot. A giant squid is pressed against the outside of this home. Engulfing it. Typical Leave it to Beaver/ 50’s style suburban neighborhood.

Panel Two-Four

Back inside the home as SJ struggles with the tentacle on the floor of a bedroom, Duck is plucking at the beast when Sal Sr. flings open the door. He’s dressed in a  cardigan and yellow slacks and with old west gun belt/holster around his waist. Hand on pistol, no need to aim.

1. SFX: Blammo Blammo

Panel Five

The tentacle is severed and slithering back out the window. The other half, now limp, loosens its grip on SJ who is huffing and puffing gathering his composure.

Panel Six

The squid slithers out of the backyard like a wounded child.

PAGE 3 

Sal Sr. wears a permanent scowl. He doesn’t even bother to take a glance at the aftermath, turns and walks out the door. SJ scrambles to his feet to chase after his father. Sal Sr. walks down a set of stairs. Against the wall we see an assortment of family photos. Sal Sr., his wife Cathy, and SJ at various stages in his life. Sal Sr. has the same scowl in all of them.

SJ follows his father down the stairs with Duck the Chicken by his side. Sal SR. stops at the base of the steps, doesn’t bother to turn, then mutters 

1. Sal Sr.: “You coulda damaged my trophy room dummy.”

2. SJ: “Dad, hear me out.” He pulls out a rolled up comic book from his back pocket. He unfurls it and it’s a silver age book called “The Saga of Sarsaparilla Sal”. The issue is numbered #6 and features a young cowboy fighting a giant alien squid on the cover. 

3. SJ: “ I just want to be a hero like you Dad...” Sal Sr. snatches the comic from SJ’s hands

4. Sal Sr.: “Last thing the world needs is another hero. Especially one like you.”

PAGE 4

SJ follows Sal Sr. into the trophy room.

1. SJ: “Dad, listen I’m sorry ok. Rupert told me the squid took weeks to grow.” He pulls out a grow your own squid package from his front pocket. Just add water!

2. Sal Sr.: “Rupert!?” HypnoNaut’s good for nuttin’ kin? That boy sells snake oils and tchotkes on the side of the freeway fer a living. He don’t have the brain god gave little green apples.” Sal Sr. slaps the comic on his desk.

The trophy room is FULL of mementos celebrating Sal Sr.’s career. 

*Note: Photos of Sal Sr with other Silver Aged heroes, presidents and dignitaries. Glass cases with rayguns, odd mechanical devices, etc. All crazy comic book stuff. Behind the desk is a gaudy Westen outfit also encased in a glass display. Orange and yellow with tassles, the whole nine. 

Sal Sr plunks down behind his wooden desk into a lush leather chair.

1. SJ: “I was just goofing around. I’m sorry, I really…”

2. Sal Sr.: “GOOFIN’!?” He reaches up to rub his temple.

3. SJ: “Look around boy! I’ve defeated unspeakable evil time and time again, saved the worlds biscuits more than a baker wearin’ a baseball mitt.”

SJ clutches Duck the chicken and gulps.

4. Sal Sr.: “Now I got myself a good fer nuttin’ lollygagging loafer, tellin’ me about goofin’. Try walking in my boots and you’d know why tomfoolery ain’t tolerated in this house!”

DC looks up and admires a photo of his dad as a young man holding a bear in a headlock. The frame has a engraved plate that reads “Yellowstone 1963”.

Sal Sr continues

1. Sal Sr: “I had high hopes fer you but it became apparent early on you were a few bristles short of a broom. A fellers gotta accept his fate and my reward for all the good I done...was you.” He picks up the comic again. And lets out a light chuckle.

2. Sal Sr: “They got the darn Squids head all wrong. Plus it was purple, not green...” He continues to flip through the pages.

As Sal Sr. starts to drift off into memories, SJ and Duck shrug in unison then walk out.

Upstairs SJ is fixing the hole in his wall with wood and nails.

1. SJ: “There just has to be a way to earn Dad’s respect Duck.” 

Duck just keeps plucking at the wood with his beak as if he were nailing it in.

2. SJ: “Always telling me how great he was back in the day before I was born. The great Sarsaparilla Sam. I only know him as Crusty McGrump!”

In a mocking tone: “Try walking in my boots, Hrmph!”

 

With nails in the corner of his mouth he raises his eyebrow like a man who just realized something important. He stops his work on the wall, jumps into his desk chair and starts scribbling something down on a scrap of paper.

SJ peeks into his dad’s office and sees him asleep in the chair. He tiptoes past his dad towards the trophy case that holds the Sarsaparilla Sal suit. While opening the glass door there is a loud creak. Sal Jr winces but realizes his dad is still snoring away in the chair. He runs upstairs and tosses the uniform into a suitcase. Duck  jumps on top and the latch seals with a clack.

Carrying the briefcase he rushes into the kitchen. His mother, Cathy, is sitting at the kitchen table. Face buried in the newspaper’s crossword puzzle. SJ goes to put a banana in his pocket but it doesn’t fit. He reaches in and pulls out the squid growing packet that still has a shrunken, dried squid capsule in it.

SJ: In a low tone- Almost forgot these, better get rid of ‘em before I can get in any more trouble.

He tosses them in the garbage disposal inside the sink and clicks the switch on and off to the tune of a quick whirr.

Cathy acknowledges her son without looking up from her crossword.

Cathy: “You say something hon?”

SJ: “No Ma, just grabbing a quick snack. Gotta go prove dad wrong!”

Cathy: “Oh jeez. You and your father. I might as well live in a bee’s nest. Is he mad about that racket you were making?”

SJ: “A... little.”

He smiles despite his mother not looking at him. It’s ok she can hear it in his voice.

Cathy chuckles

Cathy: “What’s an eight letter word for family? Hmm... Insanity.”

SJ chuckles too

SJ: “Gotta run Ma. Love ya!”

He fits the banana in his pocket, kisses her gently on the top of her head and exits. Duck looks suspiciously back at the sink.

Cathy: “Love you too snugbugs. Will you be home for dinn-”

Front door slams shut. Thwack.

SJ rides off into the dusk on his bike, fully decked out in his dad's old garb. He’s laid the suitcase on top of the front basket for Duck to sit on. His feathers pinned back from the breeze.

 We see them triumphantly riding off and in the background the house suddenly has tentacles busting out of the first floor windows.

Story Title: Go your Own Way

Credits

End of Issue One

Just A Pilgrim (2001)

It's Super Blog Team-Up season! Not familiar? It's a great community of comic book bloggers that get together annually and write about a shared topic. This year is all about: REDEMPTION.  I'll get back to that in a bit and the roll call of my fellow Super Bloggers will be listed at the end of this column but before I dig in on my subject matter, big thanks to @CharltonHero for starting the project and having me aboard.
Luckily, it wasn't difficult to select a story I wanted to discuss as part of this event. Fond memories flooded my mind of a series based around a no-good louse, looking to make good to pay for sins of the past. Plus, with the creative team of Garth Ennis and Carlos Ezquerra, this must be a sign from the heavens to clear the cobwebs and give Just A Pilgrim a long overdue re-read.
In the early 2000's, I wasn't immune to Ennis fever. He had just wrapped up one of the greatest comic runs to ever see print with Preacher and in my eyes could do no wrong. Engaging scripts filled with raunchy yet compelling ideas. Who could ask for more? After a lifetime of capes, Ennis provided a different perspective. It didn't hurt I was also in my formative years of  adulthood, so the humor was right up my alley. Give me more gore, gross gags and gobsmackery! Not sure if that last one there is really a word but damn, that era of material sure got me jazzed up.

Before I dive into the book itself, I'd like to take a moment to focus on the publisher. There's rarely a fan in my age range that doesn't have nostalgic fueled goosebumps when remembering Wizard Magazine. I specifically note "age range" as some of us old stumps collected in a time pre-internet. Way back, when one would have to look to friends or a publishers checklist to gauge what was worthy of  redistributing your lunch money for. So to have a magazine with interviews, humor, price guides and everything related to the love of comics...wowza!
There had been plenty of fanzines over the years with historical significance but for my generation Wizard was a game changer. Now, I don't want to come off as elderly. We did have message boards and such by the time this series came out, but getting that copy of Wizard with your pull was something special. Alright, alright...I'll get a room.
Wizard was so popular in fact, they broadened their horizons with other enterprises. One of which, Black Bull Entertainment, sought to bring in major talent and make some hay. There was a fair amount of hype at the onset but unlike, for example, Image Comics, it couldn't maintain the momentum and crawled into the shadows. Now, in no way would I normally compare the two publishers as sales charts would make me look foolish but for my buck, Garth Ennis was a bigger draw than the star-studded artists that created Image. New publisher, new series with Ennis at the helm, where do I sign?
It was also a great physical product. The paper stock was gloss while also being sturdy and they saved all of the ads until the end of the book. Albeit those ads were nothing more than Wizard propaganda anyway. There were also pin-ups to close the stories out along with letter pages and creator bios. Nice package for $2.99 USD.

So what was it about? To be perfectly honest, you may want to calibrate your groan sensors. Post-apocalyptic warfare people! A trope more tired than a damsel tied to train tracks. Still, Ennis has shown a strong affection for westerns and war tales, so they were bound to be intertwined here as well, perhaps providing more depth.
The narrative is told by a little boy named Billy Shepard via the pages torn from his diary. They tell of how the Earth suffered a cataclysm called "The Burn" that has destroyed most of the surface areas and led the oceans to dry up. Billy along with his family and a wandering caravan found themselves under assault by pirates when a righteous stranger arrived in time to save them. When asked who he is, surrounded by fire and death, the mystery man raises his head revealing the shape of a cross seared into his face and responds "Just A Pilgrim."

I mean, c'mon...it's obvious this dude's gonna be a serious badass. Unfortunately for anyone who's read Preacher, the Pilgrim seems like a blatant Saint of Killers knockoff.  In many aspects there's a solid argument there. One that I will make later. As for now, what you need to know is he's a reluctant hero and a zealot. All of his actions are deemed to be God's will and Pilgrim views every creature as a puzzle piece to serve that purpose. Even if that means fatal facial reconstruction.

Par the course for Ennis, all of the oddballs are on full display. The main villain, Castenado, is a blind amputee with a gift for gruesome gab. A member of Pilgrim's party named Dirk gets impregnated by a pit monster, rendering him less than a personable pustule. Nearly two decades ago I'm sure all of this gave me a good chuckle. I was 21 years old and heavily into Bukowski and booze. Now, however I kind of meh at it. Not that all of the gags aren't funny or could only be considered such, especially by an adolescent. I bet this will rib-tickle a bunch of folks but it just not as clever as I thought it was. Have I matured? Are dad jokes my new bread and butter? Probably.

I know require the most epic of drum rolls as it's...redemption time! Or maybe more appropriately, what could be vaguely considered redemption for a man such as Pilgrim. A recurring theme throughout the first two issues had been Billy's Mom getting a strange sense of generalization when  Pilgrim was around. Oh, there's definitely a reason for that. If you had a sneaking suspicion his origin had anything to do with happiness or joy, lay off the grass. The cover image should provide enough of a hint that it's about to get weird up in here.

Who was this nut job before he met the lord? A different sort of crazy. He was a special forces soldier and as he tells it, a sinner. He lived for murder, drinking and dames. After a mission went awry, Pilgrim and his men were stranded at sea on a lifeboat. With time turning to weeks and no rescue to be had, desperate men always turn to desperate measures. In this case, cannibalism. After over 100 days on that raft, he was finally found by a passing ship as the lone survivor. Barely clinging to life, his diet didn't do his demeanor any favors.

The military gave him a psych discharge, considering no other members of his regiment would work with him. The Army was the only home he had ever known. Without it, Pilgrim decided it best to drink his life away. One night, after getting sloshed at a bar, he hit a hobo with his car. Pilgrim gazed upon the man he had just killed and rather than feeling remorse, he thought of a recipe. He discovered he still had cravings for flesh and human stew was on the menu. The authorities caught wind of people disappearing and Pilgrim got himself locked up.

While in the clink, he would get frequent visits from the prison chaplain. Pilgrim had no interest in buying what he was selling. Bible verses, the Lord's guiding hand and all, wasn't very appealing to a man who believed he could never be redeemed. Still, the priest persisted. He would visit his cell each and every week, speaking of religion while Pilgrim sat unimpressed. This continued for years. When finally it appeared Pilgrim had softened to the idea of accepting a larger power, that pesky Burn happened. The sun scorched the earth, killing everyone within its reach. The priest tried to free the prisoners but much like his experience on the raft, Pilgrim was the only one still alive. In a foolhardy attempt to reach a vehicle, the clergyman got himself cooked. We've already established Pilgrim is an unbalanced fella so of course, he would take a cross, melt his damned face and finally accept God.

I'm not here to spoil the remainder of this five issue series. Wanna read the rest? Up to you my friend. But wait there's more! If you do dig it, there's also a sequel named Just A Pilgrim: Garden Of Eden. Trying new comics is never a bad thing. Right now, I'd prefer to focus on that whole "carbon copy" bit I brought up earlier. For fans of  Preacher not only does Pilgrim have a similar look. The attitude also carries over. Pilgrim is more of a talker as he spouts out scripture in the middle of a massacre yet the strong but silent, movie westerns archetype is applicable to both. They're also bad dudes who didn't want redemption and would rather rot away, accepting that to be the fate of the wicked.

Aside from those two, there are even more glaring similarities at play here. Most notably, the villains.

I can imagine Garth Ennis looking over his shoulder while cashing his checks at the bank, in fear of getting caught for draining the well. I can't blame him. His admirers, myself included, gobbled it up. Arguably, the most popular baddies he's created, Herr Starr (Preacher) and Ma Gnucci (Punisher) had something very unique in common with the antagonist featured in this series. They were all dismembered. While Starr and Gnucci were put through the wringer for shock value and laughs, a distinct difference this time out was that Castenado lacked eyes, hands, and feet from the get-go. For some reason, Ennis didn't devote the time to torture him as he did the others. Why did he decide losing limbs was a lovely way to depict the degenerates? That I can't say. His garden must look terrible though.

You may have gathered I wouldn't consider Just A Pilgrim to be Ennis's finest hour. Even with excellent pacing, this yarn provides its fair share of yawns. However, it does have some noteworthy strengths that will appeal to many readers. The art by Carlos Ezquerra is outstanding and Paul Mounts kills it on colors. There's also a TON of action to be had here which gives it a summer blockbuster quality. I could see this being adapted to other forms of media with success for that very reason. It's no masterpiece like Preacher but if Garth's gimmicks haven't grown stale to you, give it a try.
Just A Pilgrim isn't a sought out book making it easy to pick up on the cheap physically and it's available for digital purchase in trade form.

See that? In the end, little Billy Shepard just wanted the same thing all bloggers do. So don't wait! Check out all of these amazing Super Blog Team Up pages. Just click on the site name and away you go to truly incredible content!

 ★The Superhero Satellite: The Walking Dead: “Redeeming Negan”
★Chris is on Infinite Earths: The Pied-Piper Reforms!  Flash (vol.2) #31
★Longbox Review: Redemption of Nightwing
★Coffee and Comics: Green Lantern #100
★Comic Reviews by Walt: Redemption/Coming Home: Shredder
★The Unspoken Decade: What If V2 #46 and 47
★The Daily Rios: Thanos: Samaritan (Issues 7-12 2004)
★The Retroist Via Vic Sage: The Redemption Of Magneto
★Crapbox Son Of Cthulu: Iron Man: Demon In A Bottle
★Between the Pages Blog: The Secret Origin Of Spider-Man
★Black, White and Bronze: The Redemption of Red Sonja, Savage Sword of Conan #1
★The Source Material Comics Podcast: Penance - The Redemption of Speedball
★ Comics Comics Blog: Elfquest Cutters Redemption 
 ★In My Not So Humble Opinion: The Other Side of the Wind: The Redemption of Orson Welles

Special thanks to my pal Chris Sheehan for giving me a swift kick in the keister, propelling me back into the blogosphere. I would like to say this was a case of saving the best for last, but it was actually just an attempt to get him to read the whole thing. Excelsior! 

*All external links for Just A Pilgrim are intended for informational purposes.